Today marks 4 years of time without my mother. Which seems absurd. Something about another revolution around the sun makes me a little sick, like on a carnival ride. We’re moving too fast. How the hell did we pass the Fun House again already? I was prompted this morning to consider that grief reveals the things that matter most to you. I get that. I miss being seen and known by her and loved fully; support and safety matter to me in relationships. I miss our shared history; the stories only she can tell and the way she saw me that only she could; my personal history and other peoples’…
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And Own that Love is Heaven
This time last year we knew. Another tumor had presented and Mom’s doctor just told us that the treatment wasn’t working. Mom realized without trying to that she would not be with us much longer and she made peace with it, mostly. She was ready for her pain to end, she was ready to be done fighting, she was ready to “be with Jesus.” She wasn’t ready to say goodbye; really, for us to mourn her. She didn’t want to be the cause of our grief. So as she laid down to get through another headache and imagined at any point she may not wake up, she made us promise her that this…
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The Women
Their voices are like echoes – one speaks and you wonder which body it belongs to. Their humor coordinates and though each has a slightly different take on the world, they understand each other and laughter comes easy. I was born into a family run mostly by women; strong, sweet, funny, brilliant women. My great grandmother, Betty, had one gorgeous, blue-eyed beauty she called Carole during World War II and then didn’t have any others for almost 20 years. Carole gave birth to her daughter Tracey just a couple years after Betty gave birth to Beth and Becky. And then 25 years later Tracey had me. In and out of crises, The Women get…
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Thank You
I started it to coddle my broken heart. It was a way to look outside myself on a day I knew I would be tempted to collapse in. A way to address one of life’s big cruelties because I couldn’t address the one that took her. It was a way for me to put my hand to the plow and put some change in motion, live up to the love a little bit. I had no idea. The first donation floored me. Because they count it in people. So with $60, two people were represented. Two people I will never meet who will be directly affected by my mother –…
