A fundamentalist turned freedom chaser with an obnoxiously stubborn faith.

Borrowed Time

Life is short, you guys. And unpredictable.
I was just innocently watching Mommy vlogs on youtube and came across a memorial video for one of the adorable, genuine moms of the Whats Up Moms channel. Her name is Connie Kin and her videos are still up. She seemed like a truly beautiful person.
And seeing her posts reminded me that this time we get with these little ones is… Well, it’s borrowed. Any moment could be our last…
That didn’t used to bother me as much as it does now. Because now a part of me imagines weddings I won’t attend and grandchildren I won’t help into the world (yes, I have dreams of my children letting me be their midwife. That’s doable?). And a bigger part of me imagines RJ without her mother to hold her hand into womanhood. And Eli not having my gentle hugs after playing tough in front of his friends.
But the very worst thing I can imagine is that they will somehow lose my love for them. That they will ever question it and not have me there to tell them however many ways they need to hear that they are emphatically, unconditionally, deeply, life-wreckingly loved.
Because love means something. And love from the person who brought you into the world means a lot. Mothers are not perfect, but we are life-bringers and that’s the closest most anything comes to divine – when it is in the business of life. So our love is sacred and people need sacred.
So I try to leave a trail of affection and gratitude and honesty for my children to follow whenever I leave. If they are 60 years old I hope they follow it. I hope they see my breadcrumbs and know that they matter. Know that they are of vast importance and worth. Know that they are broken and in need of help from the God who loves them. And I hope they know that being broken does not mean being worthless. That the heart of their mother was completely captivated by and delighted in them and that it could only ever be a shadow of God’s heart. I hope they find my trail.
Anyway, life is short, you guys.

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