A fundamentalist turned freedom chaser with an obnoxiously stubborn faith.

Because God Doesn't Always Make You Feel Better

Today I am done. Today the kids win. The cancer crap wins. The pregnancy wins. Today life gets to cackle at the mess she’s made me.
You win, life. I’m done.
Gabe brought up Heidegger (even though he was a Nazi) and not caring about the “them” so much and living more genuinely which is one of the things I think my spirit has been learning the last few years – one of the preparations God was forming for this time now.
And sometimes? Genuinely? I’m done. And I think God is meeting me here – in Done. I think Jesus is on the couch watching me cry and laugh and type out cuss words to my person and I think he’s nodding. Because I think he gets it.
I think he gets what it’s like to want to break plates even though it will accomplish nothing. I think he gets how it feels to be whined at and defied and publicly shamed by the human you grew and bore and sacrifice daily for. I think he gets feeling helpless and hopeful and frustrated and at peace all at the same time. I think he gets feeling defeated.
But I also think he knows things I don’t know. I also think he knows how all this will be okay. I think he knows what is happening from a big, broad view and a much smaller one than I can fathom. I think Jesus can nod – can cry and laugh and cuss (is it okay to imagine Jesus cussing?) along with me while a better story is being written right now. While the earth and all it includes is in the middle of it’s submission to his dream. I think Jesus knows how all of this can be.
And the really astounding thing that i just can’t get over? He’s letting me know stuff, too. Bit by bit I’m getting to see his light in dark places, being led by the hand into corners where joy grows like weeds you have to bend down to appreciate. With the patience of a good, good dad, he’s filling me in and letting me know how he does his job.
So I think there is room for mourning – for feeling the painful tension of living in a world not yet what it’s meant to be.
So today I’m there. And everything else wins. And I’m going to eat some cookies and feel the feels while they linger and nod with Jesus because he knows stuff.

7 responses to “Because God Doesn't Always Make You Feel Better”

  1. jmsrorth Avatar

    Boy howdy! Great perspective! Meeting Jesus in the valley low, what a beautifully humbling experience.  I’m praying for you and with you this morning!  Sarai
    Sent from my Samsung Galaxy™ S II 4G

    1. Krysann Joye Avatar

      Thank you, Sarai! I can’t wait to catch up when I get back!

  2. Gabriel Sedberry Avatar

    Just wait for tomorrow! Beautiful. I love you.

  3. Diana Kerr Avatar

    This is just . . . true and amazing. Thanks for acknowledging that just because you’re a woman of faith doesn’t mean every day is gorgeous. So thankful to have found your blog–how did you find mine?

    1. Krysann Joye Avatar

      Actually, Christie Timm sent me your link! She said we would hit it off (of course, in this case, virtually haha) and that I would love your writing – and she was right! So glad she led me your way – your blog is wonderful!

      1. Diana Kerr Avatar

        Oh my goodness! If you’re a friend of Christie’s I am instantly obsessed with you, in a healthy non-stalker kind of way. She is one of my favorite people on the planet!

      2. Krysann Joye Avatar

        Haha! Mutual non-stalkery obsession! 😀

Leave a comment