This time last year we knew. Another tumor had presented and Mom’s doctor just told us that the treatment wasn’t working. Mom realized without trying to that she would not be with us much longer and she made peace with it, mostly. … Continue reading
I sit in the back of the room because we are late – again – and because there is a table here with room for coffee and coloring books. I am tired. Deep tired. Tired of the platitudes and the … Continue reading
There is a station on my Pandora account – I named it “My Nest” – which I have thumbed up and thumbed down to perfection. Just about every song is deeply meaningful to me because this station has played through 2 … Continue reading
It smelled clean – cologne and clorox – and the adolescent pheromones ran high. Our carpet echoed our Sister Church in burgundy bold. The chairs interlocked and faced the altar where wide steps landed on a deep stage with room … Continue reading
The roses wilt and I let them stay here, dying in the dingy vase by the winter-dirtied window. They sit on the food-stained tablecloth in the kitchen I have nested into comfortable beauty – it’s home with dirt and all. … Continue reading
Life swells. Like a bruise, like a flower. It hiccups and blossoms and jolts about with new growth and this is never more clear than during pregnancy. And Mary’s swollen stomach wasn’t the start, wasn’t the end, but was in … Continue reading
I didn’t get the Christmas New Year card out. Maybe I’ll squeeze it into the “Hey, we’re only a few days in and you know, life so it’s still acceptable for you to receive this” window. Probably not. I didn’t … Continue reading
In my home we eat the leftover Turkey while we give in to Christmas. I live by a strict code: no Holy or Silent Nights until after Thanksgiving. Honoring Autumn’s last hurrah is – to me – an ethical imperative. … Continue reading
That feeling rises up from the gut. A fullness that tightens bones and organs and reaches my throat like a noose. Things are piling up and toppling over and my hands are far too small to catch it all. I … Continue reading
Today I am done. Today the kids win. The cancer crap wins. The pregnancy wins. Today life gets to cackle at the mess she’s made me.
You win, life. I’m done.
Gabe brought up Heidegger (even though he was a Nazi) and not caring about the “them” so much and living more genuinely which is one of the things I think my spirit has been learning the last few years – one of the preparations God was forming for this time now.
And sometimes? Genuinely? I’m done. And I think God is meeting me here – in Done. I think Jesus is on the couch watching me cry and laugh and type out cuss words to my person and I think he’s nodding. Because I think he gets it.
I think he gets what it’s like to want to break plates even though it will accomplish nothing. I think he gets how it feels to be whined at and defied and publicly shamed by the human you grew and bore and sacrifice daily for. I think he gets feeling helpless and hopeful and frustrated and at peace all at the same time. I think he gets feeling defeated.
But I also think he knows things I don’t know. I also think he knows how all this will be okay. I think he knows what is happening from a big, broad view and a much smaller one than I can fathom. I think Jesus can nod – can cry and laugh and cuss (is it okay to imagine Jesus cussing?) along with me while a better story is being written right now. While the earth and all it includes is in the middle of it’s submission to his dream. I think Jesus knows how all of this can be.
And the really astounding thing that i just can’t get over? He’s letting me know stuff, too. Bit by bit I’m getting to see his light in dark places, being led by the hand into corners where joy grows like weeds you have to bend down to appreciate. With the patience of a good, good dad, he’s filling me in and letting me know how he does his job.
So I think there is room for mourning – for feeling the painful tension of living in a world not yet what it’s meant to be.
So today I’m there. And everything else wins. And I’m going to eat some cookies and feel the feels while they linger and nod with Jesus because he knows stuff.